Rules to Live By in DBZ
by DreamersEclipse
Summary: Just a guidelines rule book to help you live in the Dragon Ball Z universe if you ever found yourself there. Including example scenarios if you brake the "rules".


**A/N: This is a random fic for fun. The characters Akima and Echo are of mine and my sibling's creation. I hope you enjoy all ****:)**

**Disclaimer: Dragon Ball Z is owned by Akira Toriyama. The only thing I take credit for is latching on to his ideas and messing with them :3**

**Rule 1:** Do not call Raditz a porcupine, pineapple head, Rachet, or any other name in reference to his spiky hair as he will take this offensive.

Akima: But your hair is so spiky! You're like sonic the hedgehog or something.

Echo: Spin! Spin! *chasing Raditz trying to roll him*

Raditz: Shut the hell up you inferior creatures!

**Rule 2:** Do not make fun of Krillen, he suffers enough.

Krillen: *gets bitch slapped into the Kame house by Raditz*

Echo: Pwoned!

Akima: Don't be mean!

**Rule 3:** Don't call Piccolo a Yoshi. (Credit to Teamfour Star)

Echo: Piccolo are you a Yoshi?

Piccolo: No.

Echo: Teamfour Star lied to me!

**Rule 4:** We advise against bashing Bulma as a character because this otherwise leads to your demise or her nervous breakdown.

Akima: But you're not that much of a useful character, you know?

Bulma: I do plenty I'll have you know! These guys would just fall apart without me.

Echo: Sure just don't get yourself almost killed.

Bulma: As if!

Akima: You get in the way of fighting, you don't offer anything insightful and you're really only a side character with hardly any screen time.

Bulma: *demon faced, grabs machine guns* What did you say?!

Akima: And you're extremely prone to violence, which no one, I repeat no one likes at all! *ducks behind Echo*

Echo: What?! Get away!

Bulma: *breaks down crying*

Echo: Great she's doing the only thing she knows how to do. Cry. -_-

**Rule 5:** Don't make innuendos out of the dragon balls.

Echo: Bulma's looking for dragon balls? What the fu-

Akima: *throws dragon ball at Echo's face*

Echo: Gross!

**Rule 6:** Trying to force pants on most Saiyens and other warriors, and shirts, proves useless during a battle or confrontation.

Goku: *transforms and his shirt gets torn off*

Akima: Hey, Goku, I got you a shirt!

Goku: Now's not the time Akima

Akima: No one wants to see your chest… almost no one… Hey Porcupine, take some pants. *disgusted face* you could really use them.

Raditz: Hell no and don't call me that *shoots beam her way and misses*

Echo: *gloomy in the corner* How come their pants never get torn off? Why can't they be pantless?

**Rule 7:** Never tell Chichi that you kidnapped her son and want ransom. Even if he's perfectly safe and is just hiding from her.

**Rule 8:** Discussing the foundations of sexism and societal oppression imposed on woman to Chichi is a useless task.

Akima: But you do all the cleaning, and cooking and house chores all because "the man" is making you.

Chichi: No, I do all the chores because I know Goku couldn't do it.

Akima: Exactly! Don't you see what's wrong here?

Chichi: No, I don't. Now hurry and help me finish the dishes.

Akima: *sigh tiredly*

**Rule 9:** Never introduce Roshi to Master Jiraiya (of Naruto)

Akima: Hey you can't break the fifth wall like that. :T

Echo: What fifth wall? All I see is anime on this shelf! *points to Naruto box sets*

Roshi & Jiraiya: *bloody nose, peeping in a bath house*

**Rule 10:** Chaotzu is not a pokemon, do not try to catch him. (Credit of this to Teamfour Star)

Echo: Look Akima, it's a pokemon *points to Chaotzu

Chaotzu: I'm not a pokemon, I'm Chaotzu, Chaotzu!

Echo: It's a Chaotzu, Akima. I gotta catch him. *throws poke ball and it hits his forehead*

Chaotzu: Oww

**Rule 11:** Do not make fun of Vegeta's height. He will kill you.

Akima: You are pretty short…

Echo: Yeah! Shorty, shrimp, so small you need a magnifine glass!

Vegeta: Oh, short am I? *raging demon aura* You'll be nothing but an ameba when I'm done with you! *attempts to murder viciously*

**Rule 12:** Do not make Goku feel guilty about all the food he eats by telling him that thousands are starving to death and that food could have saved them all.

Goku: *a hallow shell, gaunt and looks sort of dead*

Echo: *pokes with stick* I told you not to tell him.

Akima: But I was just being truthful *teary eyes* Sorry, Goku. ;_;

**Rule 13:** Don't tell Gohan that dinosaurs are extinct. That includes Icarus.

**Rule 14:** Don't remind Vegeta about the day he got his tail cut off by a low class warrior fat man.

**Rule 15:** Do not tell Vegeta that his ranking of Prince is irrelevant since there is no longer a Saiyen race.

Echo: You're not a prince!

Vegeta: Of course I am. I'm the Prince of all Saiyens.

Akima: All 2, 4 ½ and ¼ of them?

**Rule 16:** Do not insist that Piccolo's antennae are for transmitting messages to his home planet.

Echo: *has foil over head* The Namekians are coming, the Namekians are coming!  
Piccolo: Why are you saying that?

Echo: Because you're transmitting! The reinforcement will be coming soon. *cowers*

**Rule 17:** In no way or form should you reveal to Vegeta his yaoi pairing with Goku.

Echo: Look, look Geta! *runs up to Vegeta with a picture of him on bottom of a Goku X Vegeta pairing*

Vegeta: *Bursts red with rage and embarrassment* What blasphemy is this?! *Rips picture from him*

Echo: *dances* you're Uke, because you're tiny.

Vegeta: *murders Echo, tears up picture and throws it on his body before stomping away*

Akima: *pokes Echo* I warned you.

**Rule 18:** This goes for other Yaoi and Yuri pairings as well. Telling them their pairings will only bring you pain.

**Rule 19:** Pointing out everyone's inability to manage or even calculate time is ultimately pointless since the universe is in their favor.

Freeza: *throws energy bomb into Namek* Namek will blow up in five minutes!

Akima: *times on watch* Hey, it's been five minutes and the planet hasn't blown up.

Echo: That's because they're still fighting *points to Goku and Freeza*

Akima: Oh…

**Rule 20:** Don't ask Piccolo what's "down there".

Echo: Hey Piccolo *shady look*

Piccolo: What?

Echo: You know, so like what's down there? *blank, sly look*

Piccolo: Down where?

Echo: *wriggles eyebrows* You know, down there?

**Rule 21:** You are not allowed to poke Piccolo and ask him if Kame felt that.

**Rule 22:** Same with Kame.

**Rule 23:** You are not allowed to suspect Mr. Popo of having a hidden agenda. Either he won't tell you or you'll wish that you never asked.

Akima: *sees Echo cowering in corner* Hey, are you okay? *worried*

Echo: *shivers, blood shot eyes* Rainbows and ponies, rainbows and ponies, rainbows and ponies (repeats)

**Rule 24**: Don't ask Freeza what gender he is. He refuses to tell you anyway.

**Rule 25:** Do not make fun of Piccolo by saying he talks to himself while he talks to Kame telepathically.

**Rule 26:** Stealing from Tien is utterly impossible as he always has one eye on you.

Echo: It's like he has eyes in back of his head!  
Akima: No, he just has three in the front. Not to mention he's a trained martial artist who could sense when you're approaching.

Echo: … I think he's related to Hiei (Yu Yu Hakusho).

Tien: Will you two please leave my house now? *sweat drop*

**Rule 27:** Do not hide food from Goku. Ever.

**Rule 28:** Do not remove all of Goku's food from the fridge and replace it with a note that says, "You're on a Diet".

**Rule 29:** Do not collect all of the dragon balls and wish for something cliché or unnecessary.

Echo: Mwuhaha, now I am immortal!

Akima: That's so cliché.

Echo: Hey at least I didn't wish for Bulma's underwear like them *points to Roshi and Oolong goggling panties*

Akima: Then who made the third wish?

Goku: Wow look at all this food *on a mountain of food, pigs out*

Akima: Of course.

**Rule 30:** You are not allowed to go over to the villain's side, no matter what they offer you.

Freeza: I'll give you a fortune.

Akima: Tempting but no thanks.

Cell: I'll give you power.

Akima: Err, I'm good thanks.

Bobbidi: You can have anything you want!

Akima: *looks at the ground in melancholy* Not love

Majin Buu: You get food!

Akima: Goku has enough for everyone, thanks.

Baby: I will give you the universe

Akima: Thanks, but I'm happy just having a galaxy *sarcasm*

**Rule 31:** Do not make fun of teenager Gohan's super hero costume and his poses… No matter how silly they are.

**Rule 32:** There is no point in trying to explain the value of life while in the DBZ world because there pretty much is none.

Akima: Oh no, Vegeta murdered Echo! *tears* This isn't fair. How can he just die?

Goku: Don't worry Akima, we can just bring him back to life with the dragon balls

*Echo is summoned back to life*

Echo: Yes! Dream come true. I'm officially a zombie!

**Rule 33:** Just because they're brought back from the dead doesn't necessarily make them zombies.

Echo: Aww dangit *snaps finger* And I thought for sure I'd come back with a brain craving.

**Rule 34:** Talking to every animal you see does not prove useful if they're normal and can't respond back.

Akima: ,and that's why I don't let Echo near my rock collection anymore.

Random dog: *is laying down, panting*

Krillen: Er, you realize he can't respond right?

Akima: How rude. I'm sure he's just shy. Right sir? So what do you work as? A cop maybe? I seen a cop dog like you before.

**Rule 35:** Eating Senzou beans does not cure stupidity. Enough said.

**Rule 36:** Suggesting that the Ginyu force join Broadway is advised against.

Echo: Seriously, you guys should join Broadway, with all your dancing an' stuff.

Akima: And they have a lot of energy for it too. And they're already wearing tights! I can see them performing "Cats" or something :3

Echo: Meow

**Rule 37: **Shouting out the name of an attack does not mean that you have the ability to use it.

Akima: Ka-Me-Ha-Me Ha! *pretends to shoot beam at Echo*

Echo: Oh no you don'! Gallic Gun *pretend shoots back*

Akima: Oh no, our attacks are clashing. Special Beam Cannon!  
Echo: Hey I wanted to do that one! Masenko Ha!

Akima: Tribeam Ha!

Echo: Sundea Ha!  
Akima: That's not a move :/

Echo: Yeah it is, Porcupine used it, remember?

Akima: Oh yeah huh.

Raditz: Damn you all! And none of your attacks are real!  
Akima: *teary eyes* But your words are. And they're the worst of weapons *melodrama* You wound me so, Ratchet

Raditz: Arrrrgghhh

Echo: Hehe pirate

**Rule 38:** It is irrelevant to explain the laws of physics and time to Trunks since the universe doesn't give a damn.

Akima: But if you travel back in time and change events then you would simply travel forward into the changed future of that world, not your own future.

Trunks: Actually, I return to my own future whenever I travel through time back home.

Akima: But it's impossible because that future would be lost to you. Haven't you even seen "The Butterfly Effect" or "Doctor Who"?

**Rule 39:** Putting magnets on the Androids to see if they stick will only annoy them. It does not cause them to start dancing like in "Futurama".

**Rule 40:** Speaking gibberish to Perunga while he is summoned (or attempting to speak Namek at all) is offensive.

Echo: po jo cali to ma skee ti nama choba ruga dono santa potato na?

Dende: W-what?

Echo: I asked if you wanted some of my candy.

**Rule 41:** Training with Saiyens is suicide.

**Rule 42:** Do not attempt to explain sex to Goku. It's not worth it.

**Rule 43:** Never cut a Saiyen's hair for them.

Vegeta: AHHHHHH ECHO! *hair is chopped messily*

Echo: I just thought I'd trim a little off the top! It'll grow back!

Vegeta: NO. It. Won't. *pure seething anger*

Echo: Oh… hehe.. Right, I forgot about that.

**Rule 44:** Do not steal Piccolo's cape or hate. It won't work.

Echo: Hrrgghh *tries lifting Piccolo's cape*

Akima: What are you doing?

Echo: Trying to steal Piccolo's stuff. But it's soo heavy :o

Akima: Hm, let me try *face turns red trying to lift the hat*

Piccolo: What do you two think you're doing?

Akima & Echo: Eep!

**Rule 45:** Never challenge Goku to an eating contest.

Goku: *pats stomach with a grin* Aww that was good!

Akima & Echo: *Dead with fat bellies and souls coming out*

**Rule 46:** You cannot fly… so don't jump off of Kame's look out.

Echo: *drinking pop while falling to Earth*

Akima: *super man posing* Well at least this is sort of like flying.

**Rule 47:** You are not allowed to record or take pictures of the Z Fighters and advertise or sell their amazing abilities.

Goku: *Comes in through the door & slams. Clothes torn.*

Akima: What happened to you?

Goku: People went crazy telling me they saw a video of me flying!

Echo: *comes in counting money & whistling. Notices them* Oh… This is awkward.

**Rule 48:** The Z fighters do not find it funny when you pretend to be Ghost Whisperer.

Akima: You have to move on. Go to the light. Put yourself at peace.

Yamcha: What the hell are you talking about?

Akima: Don't be angry anymore. You must move on to the next life.

Yamcha: I'm not dead (anymore)!

Akima: *shakes head* Denial I see.

**Rule 49:** Also, it does not do well to continue mourning a Z fighter even after they come back to life.

Echo: *sobs, praying to a Piccolo picture* He was such a good person! Why did he have to leave us?!

Piccolo: I'm right here you idiot. I've been back for two days already.

Echo: *sobs harder*I can still hear his voice!

**Rule 50:** In general, the laws of reason do not apply to this world. There's no use in explaining them.

**Rule 51:** Do not join the World's Martial Arts Tournament unless you actually know how to fight. (Having watched movies and anime with fighting does not count as learning how to fight.)

**Rule 52:** No, you cannot breathe in space even if Goku sometimes magically can.

Echo: *floating in space, face purple, eyes bugging out*

Akima: *in space suit* Kchk Houston we have a problem. *floats upside down*

**Rule 53:** Carrying a dragon ball with you is suicide.

**Rule 54:** Do not offer to help Chichi cook. You'll be stuck there forever.

**Rule 55:** No bribing or blackmailing people with your knowledge of the DBZverse.

**Rule 56:** Depending at what point you join the show, you probably shouldn't pursue a love interest since they're either taken, too young, too old or an alien.

Akima: I love Trunks!

Echo: But he's an 8 year old kid.

Akima: Hey you love Piccolo and he's a 30 year old alien!

Echo: So?! It's called Shota, look it up!

**Rule 57:** Nimbus can only be ridden by the pure of heart.

Echo: Nimbus!

*It comes to a stop in front of him*

Echo: *jumps on and fall through* Damn it!

Akima: It's because you're a pervert.

Echo: No I'm not. :P I just have a sexy imagination. Don't be jealous.

**Rule 58:** Just because Satan got away with lying about being a hero doesn't mean you will.

**Rule 59:** Hide when Bulma or Chichi want to go shopping. (Unless you like that sort of thing)

**Rule 60:** Do not claim sexual harassment after accepting a dual from a Z-fighter.

Akima: *On knees, defeated. Point dramatically at Goku* I-I'm going to sue you for sexual harassment!

Goku: What's that? O.o

Akima: **. . .** Never mind.

**Rule 61: **Do not lie to Mr. Popo. He sees all.

Echo: *playing & accidentally steps all over Popo's garden* Whoops. *walks away quickly*

Popo: *Peers out of corner silently*

*Later*

Echo: *fixing garden while Popo watches*


End file.
